Holding My Head Up High
by AJeff
Summary: Addison's thoughts and feelings.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Grey's Anatomy fic. I was inspired to write a story on Addison after reading Beauty in the Breakdown21's "I'm Human Too". Thanks for the inspiration. **

My name is Dr. Addison Shepherd. Bitch! That is what they call me. Don't they know a part of me is dying inside? I can feel pain, I feel hurt. I hold back my tears. It's just that I can paste on a smile when it becomes too much. That is all what they see.

I do know how to cry. I do so in the privacy of my own home. My heart is not made out of stone. I hide it well underneath this mask. They don't know me at all. The hurt I feel in this icy cold heart of mine. It can be melted if given a chance. Some people have even touched my heart, broken down these walls of mine.

Maybe, if we could meet halfway, look inside my heart and soul. I could forget the hurt and pain, I've become accustomed to. My apologies, to everyone, for what you think of me. Cold-hearted, is that what I've been called? Or is it heartless? How much longer can I go on this pretense? I just don't know how to let my feelings out. Help me bring down this wall, I would gladly open up to you, what to feel, what to say. Won't you take the chance with me?

Holding my head up high is sometimes too unbearable for me.


	2. Chapter 2

Doesn't he know what he is doing to me inside? As the door opened, I saw the look in his eyes, of the hundreds of people to enter the elevator, it had to be me. Did I interrupt a moment of their precious time together? I am beginning to wonder if I had made the right decision. He was the one who did not sign those divorce papers. I would have, if he had done it first.

I really do love him. Yet, I know deep down, his heart belongs to her. Why can't she just go on her merry way and leave him alone? Just stop the love in her heart. But, who am I to judge. For I can't stop the feeling I have, either. I question myself why we are together. He chose me over her. Why? Does he actually love me? Or is it just an obligation? To what? Eleven years of marriage? I need to know why he had made the decision to stay. I was so sure I had Iost him forever to her. I look into his eyes, those tantalizing eyes of his and see the hurt each time he looks at me. And I want to just hold him in my arms and tell him I love him.

Love should not be one-sided, but a two way thing. Like I believe it is with them. "Them." There is no "we", "us", only "them" as I see before my eyes. I never thought he would actually fall in love with someone else, but, then, I should have thought about that when I was cheating.

And it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.


	3. Chapter 3

Some days it feels like someone had stuck a blade through my heart. My heart aches for him. You just don't know what you have until you lose it or think you have lost it. I have never been so afraid in my life as I am right now. The hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love, love someone else. If he listens carefully, he can hear my heart breaking.

Even though he is the very one who makes me cry, he is the only person who can make me stop crying. I can't seem to find the words to tell him how much he means to me. I remember happier times, when I could actually feel my heart smiling and the feel of his arms around me, like nothing else in the world mattered. I haven't had that feeling in such a long time. I wonder if I'll ever again. I wish for more days and a whole lifetime to spend with him. He is the best thing that every happened to me.

I am so sorry for a lot of things. I am sorry I could not hold on to him. He is the one person in the world I was born to love. Without him, my life would not be worth living. I believe we are meant to be together. My love for him goes beyond infinity.

I am not sure exactly, what to say or what to do. I just know that I really love him. He is my everything.

"Here I am. Take my hand. Stand beside me. All I need is for you to find your way. Just tell me you love me again. Here I am."

Sometimes all I see is darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

I heard that song we used to dance to all night long. And it nearly killed me. All those memories we've had together, all those promises we made. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore, ready to pack my bags and head out that door. I'm sure he'd love that.

I've often wondered about those witness protection program where your life would change drastically with a new identity. But then, it can't erase away your memories of your previous life, can it? I am so tired, tired of everything and everyone around me looking at me as if I was the one who stole him away from her. I had him first, he was mine. He wasn't hers to keep. But, it frightens me that he'll change his decision and go to her. When he's in bed at night, I wonder what his thoughts and feelings are? Is he with her in his dreams? I just don't know how to be a wife to him again. Even if somehow we do get closer to each other, I'm afraid he'll call her name out loud instead of mine. Is love even in his vocabulary when it comes to me?

We really do need to have a heart-to-heart talk about our feelings for each other. I'd like to ask him why he chose me over her. Because, "you are my wife," is not the answer I'm looking for. I'd like him to say..."I chose you because I love you. I chose you because you still make my heart beat rapidly whenever I see you. I chose you because I love the way you would always crinkle your nose whenever you took a sip of your first cup of coffee in the morning. I chose you because I love the way you touch me."

And I weep.


	5. Chapter 5

I waited patiently for him. He was supposed to have met me early in the day. I called him, but got no reply. It's thanksgiving day and I so wanted to be with him. Maybe I was asking a little too much. Told him I got a room for us to spend some time together. He had that "don't push your luck, Addison" kind of look. I sit and wait. I guess he won't be coming back to join me, afterall. A glutton for punishment. That's what I am.

I hear thoughts in my head.

"What do you want from me? I chose you, didn't I"? I'm here, aren't I? What exactly do you want from me?" I hear his voice in me saying.

"I want you to love me the way I love you! I want you to want me the way I want you! I want you to make love to me the way I want to make love to you!" I answer back silently.

And he walks away.

I imagine that silent conversation between us. I tend to have the power of forming mental images in my mind of something that is never wholly perceived in reality. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I'm an intelligent person, a surgeon. Successful in my career. But, when it comes to my personal life, I have no clue of what the hell is going on.

"Okay, Dr. Grey, you win. He loves you, not me. You win."

I want to just run away and hide. I guess I wasn't what he wanted.

Maybe...yes, maybe it's time for me to say goodbye. But, I should give it one more try. As I sit outside of his trailer, what's the worse thing that could happen? He'll just tell me to leave. He could be driving up with her along side of him. Then, what would I do?

I'll just walk away.

He never looked so good. I never expected it to happen. It's been such a long time since he's kissed me. He's never tasted so good, the feel of his lips on mine. Ahhhh, the slip of his tongue into my sightly opened mouth sent goose bumps throughout my body.

It was magic!


	6. Chapter 6

It finally happened. I never imagined I would actually be in his arms again, in the same bed with him, making love to me. I've never smiled so much in my life as I am at this very moment.

He left my hotel room early in the morning. At the hospital I asked him if something was wrong. He says no. Was it just a moment of weakness? Was it? We're okay, aren't we? Why do I question?

Maybe, I'm afraid somehow this won't last. I'll take this one day at a time. I not only love him, but I've fallen in love all over again. When I look on back to yesteryear, it was always him I've love, no one else. I want to just shout it out, hoping what I feel for him is exactly what he feels for me. Hoping this time, it will be for keeps.

It's written all over my face. No one should be without love. Tonight I'll tell him, "welcome to my world".

"Won't you come right in."


	7. Chapter 7

I knew she was there watching us, without even turning. I could smell her perfume as we were rushing down the hospital corridor together with coffee in hand. We're taking it one day at a time.

Derek and I, we fit together. Those you hurt the most, love you the most.

It is said that there is always someone for everyone. We're soulmates, two people connected together in body and soul. And I know he loves me, even if he can't say it, just yet.

Life is both painful and beautiful. For now, life is so beautiful and wonderful, I just don't know what I did to deserve this happiness. He is with me. Me! No one else, but ME! The greatest thing I've learned is to love and to be loved in return. He's always been with me, every moment, in my heart, in the air. Everywhere.

One day soon, I am most positive that he will give up his trailer and we will finally make a home together again. I will wait for him to walk through the front door. All I want is a tender embrace from my loving husband.

Holding on to me forever.

i


	8. Chapter 8

It's our first christmas since we've been back together. Couldn't he have been more excited about going through this damn catalogue with me? Deciding what gifts we should get is what we used to do way back when. I know that look of his. I don't have the time right now, Addi, maybe later, but, I hope not, kind of look. He certainly was relieved when that nurse called out to him. He couldn't get away from me soon enough.

Dinner and shopping? You can rule that out. He's not even sorry he couldn't make it. He seemed distracted, mad or depressed. Christmas is our season, I tell him. God, I know something's wrong. I just can feel it.

As he entered the bar, Joe poured him a drink, double scotch. I thought I'd surprise him and arrived earlier. He smiled as he approached me. For a split second I thought everything was just fine. I was wrong.

We both smiled at each other. Those eyes of his. It's what made me fall in love with him from the very beginning. We love christmas, I say. At least we use to.

Then my world fell apart. I could feel him ripping my heart out. Christmas should be with the people you love, he says. I don't want to leave you, he tells me. But, he goes on to say that it wasn't a fling with Meredith. He had actually fell in love with her.

He says something about still deciding to stay with me. I think. I don't know. At that point, I was numb as he sat down next to me.

My heart had begun to mend slowly and there it goes, crumbling down into several broken pieces. Again.

And I cry for a man who doesn't love me.


	9. Chapter 9

Here I am sitting under my beautifully lit tree, all alone on christmas eve. Lights illuminate my living room, which was elegantly decorated just for him. Several wrapped gifts of blue and silver are stacked up in front of me, blue his favorite color, the gifts I rushed out to get for him a few days ago. Holding on to my buttered rum drink, I sip slowly. Having no control of the tears rushing out, I allow it to run freely down my face.

I'll Be Home For Christmas plays throughout the house and I hit the repeat button for it to listen to the song continuously. Reminiscing back to christmases past, one sticks in my mind in particular.

It would have been our first time being apart from our favorite holiday. He was away out of state attending a seminar and I cried myself to sleep unsure if he would arrive back in time for christmas. I still remember the look on his face as if it were yesterday when he rushed into our bedroom and into my arms. He could not wait to be with me. Whenever I walked passed him, he would gently caress me. We were inseparable, the perfect couple, happily in love.

Snow's falling gently against the windowpane and I remember the snowman we built on christmas morning. How could he have been so cruel to ruin this special day for me? How could he? I close my eyes. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of everything. I hear his voice in my head. "I'll be home for christmas," he says.

Only in my dreams.


	10. Chapter 10

Here I am looking like an idiot with a party hat atop my head, a blower in my hand, dressed in my new fitted black dress, as if waiting for him to celebrate with me in ringing in the new year. The finest champagne bottle of Cristal Rose 1996 sits in a bucket of ice along with two chilled wine glasses. It's always been a yearly ritual with us making sure we'd always be together on new year's eve, no matter where we were. He'd always find the time, even if it was only for the last twenty seconds of the old year, just as long as I'd be in his arms as the clock struck midnight into the new year.

He'd look at his watch and start the countdown out loud, which always made me laugh, then he'd turn me around, pull me into him, run his fingers through my hair and gently and lovingly kiss me.

"You think you could bear another year with me," he'd always ask teasingly. "I'll never let you go," I'd answer him.

It would be a miracle if he walked through those doors at this very minute. It's fifteen seconds until midnight...ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. I hold my breath.

And he's not here.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This chapter's dedicated to genevra. Thanks!**

Alright. I've got to get my act together. Ouch! My head hurts. It's a good thing I'm not on call at the hospital today. Some new year. All alone by my lonesome self. I can't believe I almost drank that whole bottle of champagne. I actually fell asleep with it in my hand and the remainder spilled on my new dress, my beautiful dress. It's ruined. Well, It's not like he's ever going to see me in it. God, look at me. I can barely walk a straight line. My hair's a mess. Disheveled! That's what I am. What a way to start 2006!

I've got to set my priorities straight. No more feeling sorry for myself. Snap out of it! He's not worth all the trouble. I surely can't make him love me. How could I possibly want to be with a man who doesn't love me? I'm only torturing myself. And I deserve better. I know I do. I don't want him to settle for me, just because! Life is too short. Life is too precious. I want to be with someone to grow old with, someone who'll love me as much as I'll love him. Hey, wake up, Addison! That one man might just be right around the corner. They say, there's someone for everyone and he just might be waiting for me and I don't want to miss my chance of a lifetime.

Never mind the talks, the name calling. Get a life, people! Is yours so boring that you need to discuss one's personal life with each other? I am sure there are a lot of skeletons in your closets. And I really don't care! So, to all of you at Seattle Grace...this is the new and improved Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. Look out world!

Here I come!


	12. Chapter 12

Who the hell does he think he is? God's gift to women? So, here we go again! The elevator door opens and lo and behold who the hell's standing right before my very eyes. It seems they're always in that damn elevator together. Ah, they were smiling like two teenagers in love caught in the act. Suddenly, their facial expressions changed as I stood before them.

As Rhett Butler would say, "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"So, this Meredith thing? I'm suppose to wait it out?" I asked stupidly. And this idiot of a husband of mine answers, "that would be nice." Give me a bloody break. I sat there with my beer in hand and held in what I truly wanted to say, as I hid under my mask. He can't have best of both worlds. I actually wanted to smash that beer bottle over his head. Both heads!

I know in the very beginning I was crushed. But, now? I won't allow myself to get bent out of shape over this. He can't make up his mind? I'll decide for him. "Sign the damn divorce papers! Pick up that pen, you do know how to write, don't you? And sign on the dotted line. A huge "X" would suffice!" Those dreamy eyes of his doesn't work for me anymore. He looks at her the way he use to look at me. One day he just might get tired of her and he'll use those same bedroom eyes to lure someone else into his life. Maybe, another poor young intern.

Hey, I just got a brilliant idea. Maybe Meredith and I should bond together. You know, go out and have a drink at Joe's. That would really make him squirm. But, what I really want to say to her is...

Take him, he's yours!


	13. Chapter 13

Man's best friend. So, here we are, taking care of "her" dog, which my darling husband had agreed to do so. Each time he looks at this four-legged creature it brings back memories of the both of them.

A dog is always a man's best friend. Yet, this mutt seemed to like me from the very beginning. I'm not such an evil person, you know. He'll be woman's best friend. It won't be so bad. I shall teach him to be respectful and faithful. Respectful and faithful, the two broken rules. I take full responsibility for my infidelity. There is no one to blame but myself. I thought by joining him here in Seattle we could again make a go of our marriage. Who are we kidding? God sakes, why in heavens should we?

I watched them as I took "MY" dog inside. You know, they don't look too bad together. In fact, they would probably be a perfect match for each other. I'm far from perfect, I know that. I can't live my life like this. I can't anymore. I can't go through the motions as a married couple when in my eyes it definitely is not a marriage at all. Unfortunately, I still do love him, but, life goes on. I can handle anything.

Loving him with all my heart does not necessarily mean being with him for the rest of my life. I know this because I probably won't. There was a time I would have given up eternity to be with him.

I am blessed with good health and I have a great job which somehow finds fulfillment in my life. What more can a woman want? Except, maybe the love of man. If I do have another chance with someone else, all I can promise is to love him and never let him go.

This time.


	14. Chapter 14

I saw them talking to each other again today. I came up from behind him. I surprised myself and actually extended an invitation to her to visit. "My" dog, not my husband," I tell her. It wasn't meant as sarcasm.

I shouldn't feel this animosity whenever he's around her. He did choose me. I know I've thought of things in the past about letting him go, wanting him to sign those divorce papers and of me hoping to find someone else in my life. But, maybe, I should give it another try. He does come home to me at nights. I've never stopped loving him. I believe he still loves me. He cuddles me in bed as I lay my head on his bare chest. And I can feel my heart smiling.

I don't think we're growing apart, just the opposite. He's trying really hard to make this marriage work. I shouldn't rush into things and think for the worse. Maybe, I should give it another chance. Maybe, we've passed all the hurt and pain that came before us. Maybe, it's time for the healing process to begin.

This time our love will be stronger than ever. We'll hang on and never let go of each other. This time it will be for keeps. He'll be mine.

And I'm never letting him go.


	15. Chapter 15

Hell had taken over at Seattle Grace, so it seemed. Today, I almost lost my cool. Actually, I did. I took it out on poor Dr. O'Malley. He didn't deserve that. My temper erupted, exploded like the bomb. He's such a gentleman, caring and has wonderful bedside manners. Without George, I would not have been able to help Dr. Bailey deliver her baby. I felt as if I was falling apart. It took a toll on me with Derek in the operating room as he tried in vain to save Bailey's husband, which he did. The happiest time of her life should not also be the saddest time if she had lost her husband. Thank god for Derek. The thought of the explosive set to burst at any given moment with one slight move of a hand terrified me. Yes, sure, I wanted Meredith out of Derek's life, but, not in that way. They call me Satan, but, truly, I'm not and I'm not heartless, either. I do have a heart, you know, it's just that I hide it very well.

Dr. Webber and the rest of the staff were out in the hall when I heard his voice. "Where is she," he asked. I rushed out of the room and into his arms. God, it felt so good. Everything seemed so perfect with us right now and if something had happened to him, If I had lost him, I just don't know what I would have done. I thought I'd never feel his arms around me ever again. Adultery is one word which broke our marriage vows, but things seems to be headed on to the right track. I know he loves me even if he can't say it. I will love him...

Until death do us part.


	16. Chapter 16

Mark Sloan. God, what the hell gave him the right to come back into my life? He said he loved me, he missed me. There are some things a wife does not tell a husband and that one thing was that she was in love with his best friend. I wasn't honest with him. Derek hadn't known that I stayed with Mark after he left. I never told him we were in love. How exactly would a wife tell her husband that she was in love with another man?

It was obvious even to someone like Mark that Derek was not in love with me, but with Meredith. Not once had Derek mentioned love to me. Am I just fooling myself? Maybe, I'm just a glutton for punishment. That hit on my lover's face was due to him being with Meredith. That punch was not because of me.

Mark asked Derek why he can't forgive him, but yet, he'd forgiven me. He broke my heart again. He hadn't forgiven me for my indiscretion. I guess he never had.

He's here to take me back home with him. The feel of his hand as he caressed my cheeks brought memories back for me. I've never forgotten how he made me feel. I've never forgotten how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, everything was just tucked away in a special place in my heart as it waited to be let out. Dr. Mark Sloan. He's back.

And it scares the hell out of me.


	17. Chapter 17

That dog of hers woke us up early this morning due to his darn barking. I dragged myself out of bed to walk that mutt. I really needed to speak to my husband, but, he didn't want to. Talk, yell, anything! But, no. All he did was cover himself with the pillow over his head. God, I so wanted to have suffocated him at that very moment.

I can't believe I did a stupid thing. Instead of being the lady I usually am, what do I do? I squated outside when nature called. It served me right. That itch/rash nearly killed me and I practically had to beg Miranda Bailey to tend to me. What an embarrassment! I screamed and cried out of control for her to ease my discomfort.

Since these last few days since Mark's arrival, we haven't been getting along. We hardly ever spoke. Each night we'd come home and sleep together. I mean literally sleep, doze, take a snooze. Nothing more. But, if it wasn't for Miranda, I don't think Derek and I would be on speaking terms as of yet, other than the normal, yes and no answers.

So, what does Dr. Bailey do? She let Derek into the room where I am laid up with my feet in the stirrup with a sheet over me. She instructed him to talk to me from behind the curtains. Talk about curiosity. He looked at what ailed me and started to laugh, then, I laughed. We both had a good laugh. Something we haven't done in such a long time!

Who would have thought that a thing like poison oak would be the one subject that would have melted the ice in our relationship.

The best medicine in life is laughter!


	18. Chapter 18

A young Catherine Deneuve. That's what my pregnant patient's husband had told me. I did some checking and found out she had been this beautiful french actress who started her film career back in the '60's. I've got to rent some old movies of her just to see if I actually do resemble her. It's funny, but he seemed to have paid more attention to me in the half hour I had lunch with him than my husband had in several weeks.

I sat in bed as I read my book, Derek joined me, laid on his side with his elbow to support him. He had this look as if he needed to have something said.

"What?" I asked.

He said he was absent and partly to blame for our marriage's infidelity. He apologized and told me he's working on it. But, I needed to give him time to heal. I've wondered what came about of this. I've waited so long for him and maybe, just maybe this is a start. Maybe it's time to start a new beginning.

Finally...after the teardrops.


	19. Chapter 19

You know, I'm trying so hard to work things out with Derrick. So, my first step was to make friends with his friends, namely Meredith. It nearly killed me to have bought that extra cup of coffee for her, two cups for that matter. As I carefully approached, I smiled and offered that java to her.

Surprised! Indeed she was. I can't even imagine what went through her head. Me, Addison Montgomery-Shephard friends with Meredith? I don't think so! But, if it will make my husband happy, I'll just plaster a smile on this face of mine and make like whatever had happened between them doesn't matter to me anymore. Yes, it does! But, I'm not about to tell him that. He really does want to work things out. It still frightens me, though, that things might start all over again for them. Afterall, we do all work at the same place.

Doesn't he know what it's doing to me inside? I really don't want him to see the jealousy. When he looks at me I nod and smile at him, but doesn't he know that...

It only hurts when I laugh.


	20. Chapter 20

Who the hell are they kidding? Lover's spat? My dear hubby and his supposedly ex-girlfriend, Dr. Meredith Grey are at it again. I could actually feel the tension between them, at the vet's and in the elevator. I stood between them and bloody asked if they had a fight? "No," they both tell me. "Are we all still friends?" I asked. Their answer was yes. I wasn't born yesterday! If they haven't screwed each other as of yet, they will in time. "Friends"? I don't want to be friends with her. I've never been her friend. And I never will.

God! I can feel their sexual tension. That yearning for each other. It's still there.

What's going on between him and Meredith? I asked him as he prepped for surgery. He tells me nothing's going on with them. I know he's making love to her in his dreams. That night he came home wanting to make love to me. He couldn't wait to jump on me. And that steamy shower scene we had. We hadn't made love like that in years. But then, again, was it me he was thinking of? He can't have her and I'm just someone who can fill his empty heart. He's never stopped loving her. And he never will.

Derek loves Meredith. Meredith loves Derek. I can't compete with that. I want so much for him to love me, but, it won't happen, it will never happen. And I know the reason why. It's only because...

I'm not Meredith Grey.


	21. Chapter 21

Like a loving wife, there I was gathering his tuxedo which he wore last night, neatly tucking it away for him. Hey, I didn't realize a matching panty made up this ensemble. Did they really think I was born yesterday? Or stupid for that matter? This isn't high school during prom time where you have your first experience with sex! Oh, wait a minute! It was prom time last night! They're two bloody adults! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh! What possessed me to even take a hold of those damn panty of hers? The one that my husband had his grubby hands all over!

I'll show them! I'll just pin this black laced panty of hers for all to see on our staff bulletin board! Nobody, but nobody makes a fool out of Addison Montgomery-Shephard. No one!

Like mother, like daughter, I say. I've heard the talks, the whispers. Richard and Ellis together those many years ago. Adele stood by him. But, I won't stand for that!

To have that snake next to me in bed and then slither away to join her just makes me ill inside! I just can imagine them together, caressing each other, taking turns tasting every inch of their naked bodies, slamming her against the wall, thrusting, thumping, banging in her! He enjoying every movement of her atop of him, riding him like a filthy slut, pumping away until exploding both at the same time!

He's married! God! He's married to me! Can't you get that through your head? You're just a replica of your mother! Keep your disgusting hands off of him! Is that so hard to do?

But, then of course, I, myself couldn't keep my hands off of his best friend.

And no one's here to help me pick up pieces of my shattered heart.


End file.
